i know i said i was going to avoid tumblr this week but i just needed to put this somehwere
i have an open-ended 3-page essay due tomorrow about my “sense of place” or “ecological address.”
here are my problems:
1) i do not identify with any one particular place. i’ve traveled a lot and have so much love for so many places for so many different reasons. my strongest sense of place is actually vicariously attained— Aldo Leopold’s A Sand County Almanac, Willa Cather’s My Antonia, and Steinbeck’s East of Eden resonate so strongly with me.
2) we’re supposed to include quotes from and references to four readings about the idea of connecting to places and environments. there are specific questions we’re supposed to answer, along with describing our personal connection to an environment. i don’t know if i can do that in three pages.
3) i think this is what’s bothering me the most: we have to read them in front of the class tomorrow. it’s our introduction to the class and to the professor. in high school i probably wouldn’t have cared— i was a smart kid and a good writer and i didn’t have any trouble speaking in front of people and sharing my work. but in college i’m pretty much just average, or even below average here, and i don’t really feel like baring my soul to 30 strangers. i was raised in a school system that was incredibly competitive, and i was always at the top without really having to try, and now being somewhere in the middle i just have this awful inferiority complex and i get really anxious about this sort of thing.
okay. venting over. i just need to write the essay and read it and, you know, it’s just one little moment in life. grit my teeth and get through it; in the end, it’s not a big deal.
i have these two really fantastic men in my life. one at school, one at home. nothing serious has come of either of them, and maybe nothing will. but there are definite hints in both situations that there is an interest, and it’s an interest that extends beyond mere physical attraction. (though i will say they are both ridiculously good looking). they are both so talented and charismatic, i am so comfortable with them, conversation comes easy and goes everywhere without need for caution or reserve. i appreciate both as fantastic friends, but i could also see either heading further. the problem is: the one at school is taken, though he has still expressed interest in me; the one at home i hardly see because i’m at school most of the year.
it’s frustrating. i guess all i can do is step back, expect nothing, and let whatever will be, be.
and its awful
i mean, adderall wasn’t great either. i’d become overheated, i had no appetite, i had more migraines and more frequent, worse panic attacks. but it DID help with my ADD. i was very focused, my memory and time management improved. for awhile, it worked really well, until the side effects began to catch up with me and i started getting sick and anxious all the time.
this summer, i stopped taking adderall. but my mom wants me on medication during the school year. i told her i didn’t want to put my health in jeopardy again by taking adderall.
so my doctor had me try strattera, 25 mg. the side effects were similar, but not as bad— mostly i’d just get overheated. but i didn’t really notice it doing anything for my ADD. so she upped the dosage to 40 mg. and it sucks.
i’m hot all day. on adderall it would go away after an hour or two. but i am ALWAYS hot now. and worse, i have no desire to do anything but lay in bed.
i’m supposed to be packing for college. i’ve managed to pull out half the clothes in my closet and sort them into piles. but for the past hour and a half i’ve been sitting or laying on my bed staring at the clothes on my floor, not caring about anything.
maybe these symptoms will go away, maybe they won’t. all i know is, i’ve been happy this summer without medication. i find my anxiety easier to manage, which makes everything else easier. i’d really like to try a semester without meds.
Until now, I felt like the past two years have just been me chasing after things and never really grabbing hold of anything, losing myself and my convictions and my strength.
But looking back over my writings and photos and the fantastic musical experiences I’ve had, I now feel like I’ve actually done a lot. I definitely struggled; that’s very obvious. But I have created and accomplished some really beautiful things, things that I’m proud of, things that have substance.
Now, I can look back and feel good. I know I messed up, but it was never as bad as it felt at the time.
I feel good about where I am, and confident in where I’m going, and I haven’t felt this in a really, really long time.
My brother is currently facing 4 to 11 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. This entire summer I’ve been experiencing this “justice” system, and I hate what I see. This feels hopeless.
Sara said
I like men too much
I cling to them like rind
To its pulpy fruit
And it’s true
I’ve got a weak spot
For a strong jaw
I believe a man’s hands
Are a work of art
I have strawberry skin
That begs not to be touched
But the fruit within
Longs to be tasted
Take one bite
And, baby, I’m yours
excerpts:
… and as i’m reading about him and wondering about me, i’m thinking how our two spheres will never intersect more than this- me reading his prose silent and aware, him itching to write and not knowing a thing about me or my camera or my knowing…
… i love his words and he loves my photos and look how we both feel: full. maybe not happy, necessarily. but in each other’s art— perspective— we sense something complete. that’s rare, and it shouldn’t be…
…i like the momentum of foreign minds and i wish people could be more open and roll like freight trains through each other. shake me loose or fill me in. i like the contrast between your frenzy and the moments when you indulge in your entire existence like watching honey drip thick and slow. i wish we could all indulge more, let ourselves feel what we need to feel even if we don’t want to feel it. shoving things aside we only make more gaps…
… vulnerable is the best thing we can be…
roll into me, and i’ll roll into you.
